My own words stopped me in my tracks.  “Next time I go to Mom and Dad’s…”  A punch right in the gut. 

I lost my dad this year. Like so many of my friends, I have been learning how to live without my dad.  While I am grateful every day for his long, 91-year-old life, there are days when my breath is taken away. Like when I expect him to answer the phone, when I see his mischievous eyes in the adorable pictures of my three-year-old great-nephew, or when I see a cardinal swiftly flutter in front of me.

Some days are harder than others, like tomorrow.  My first Father’s Day without my dad.  No phone chat about the weather, mowing the lawn, or our cars.  No bragging about the grandkids.  No “Ok, love you.  Here’s your mom.”  (He never was much of a conversationalist, especially on the phone. Ha.)  No card to send, no gift to buy, no fuss to make.

I believe that the loss we feel for our loved ones never completely goes away; we just deal with it.  And, we all deal with it in different ways.  Some healthy; some maybe not.  And sometimes the way we think we are dealing with It doesn’t always work.  Different days, different pains.

I allow myself to visit that loss, that grief, that sadness, but I refuse to live in it.  I choose to live in the peace of our Heavenly Father instead. It’s not easy, and I cannot do it alone. My strength can only come from God. I lean on Him. He tells me He is with me always.  He tells me there is a time to mourn and a time to weep. A time to heal and a time for peace. He tells me of His promises.  He tells me to trust that He works all things for my good.  He comforts me, He gives me hope, He showers me with His goodness again and again.  Because of these things, I don’t have to live in the grief or in the past.  I can know and can live in the peace and the love that only He can give.  

So, when all things “Father’s Day” begin tomorrow, I will celebrate my husband, who is a fabulous father to our girls, and I will wish my friends and my fathers-in-law a Happy Father’s Day as well. It will be a great day, even with the void as I remember my dad. I will be so appreciative of the many years, the many Father’s Days I had with him and be grateful for all the lovely memories I now have.  God has been so good.  

On this Father’s Day, the first without my dad, my heart will ache and a tear may fall, but I will be smiling as I softly whisper, “Love you, Pops!” 

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13