I used to, but now….

When I was in the classroom, one of my favorite writing activities was when students reflected on their growth by writing a poem in the “I used to, but now…” format.  Many of them had fun sharing all the things they could now do, but my favorites were always those who mentioned how they now felt like writers, how they didn’t know they could write, but now they do.

After three years of writing Even If, I have come to some conclusions about my own writing.

I USED TO think since I was a teacher of writing, I could produce and share short pieces of writing easily, BUT NOW I realize how difficult it is to release my writing that is not perfectly polished and how time-consuming it can be to polish those pieces.

When I finally made the move to writing and publishing a blog, my expectation was to share my reflections, my stories, my heart a couple times a week.  The desire for perfection in my writing has kept me from being able to achieve that expectation.  I tend to write, revise, rewrite, revise again, etc. And, sometimes the finished product makes it to my blog site; sometimes it doesn’t.  

I USED TO believe I was writing to the masses, but NOW I understand I am writing to an audience of one.

When I became more intentional with my writing, I joined an online, faith-based writing membership to learn more about writing and publishing. I admit this program has given me tools and opportunities to push me into being a better writer, but one of their markers of success is a large social media following.  And while I want to share my writing and I’d love to think that millions of people want to read what I write, I have never been comfortable trying to market myself. I have always loved reading faith-based blogs and books, and I thought perhaps I could emulate that on a smaller scale.

But, sometimes I think my purpose has gotten a little muddled.  I want to be encouraging and support others in the matters of what is heavy on my heart at the time, thinking it might be touching their hearts as well, but I sometimes feel like I lose that when my focus on is not on Jesus.  I have learned that when I am writing to share not only my heart, but how my heart has found joy and peace through the promises of Jesus, a different sense of purpose is felt.  My purpose has to be focused on Jesus, not reaching the masses.

My prayer after posting each writing is that God directs it to who He wants to read it. I pray that not only is it pleasing to and glorifies God, but that His will be done through my writing. I pray that it plants a seed, that it can give someone the same peace or joy is gives me, or that it makes someone reflect or think about similar things.  I have been blessed by His goodness again and again, when the people I have prayed for reach out to me to thank me and/or contact me to discuss my reflections, the scripture, etc.

I USED TO know and love my God, BUT NOW I live in the love of God. 

I started this journey three years ago.  I was fully aware of God’s blessings and how He was directing my life.  Like so many who are writing through faith-based agendas, I felt that He was calling me to write.  I found myself many times asking Him to take this writing off my heart if it wasn’t something that aligned with His purpose for my life.  I often wondered if I was somehow trying to force my desire to write into His plan. 

It was no coincidence that as I was diving more into His word to support my writing, the pandemic was taking over the world. The more I would write and read and read and write, the more peace I felt through all of the crazy the world was trying to navigate.  I listened to praise music; I prayed incessantly; I could feel my walk with the Lord getting stronger every day.  I continued to write, to study, to make sense of God’s word instead of the world’s news.  I started wanting more of Jesus and less of the world.  He continued to lead me to His peace and His goodness. Years later He still continues….

So, was God calling me to write?  Maybe His purpose for my writing was not so much for others, but for me to become who I now am in Christ.  My writing and my desire to write has changed me.  So, was He calling me to write?  ABSOLUTELY! 

I USED TO write EVEN IF with a grateful heart, BUT NOW I will continue with a new appreciation for what God is doing in my life.  I want those of you who have been following me on this journey to know that your constant support, your likes and comments, your reaching out to dig deeper into more conversation are all such a blessing to me. God is definitely placing you in my life for a reason, so I am going to continue to write with more expectation.  More writing. More sharing. More learning. More appreciating. More loving.  

May the Lord bless us through it all.

What about you?  Fill in the blanks and let me know!!  I USED TO, BUT NOW……..

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.”  Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)